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Outlaws Seen In The Gila National Forrest

Loyalties, Legal Status Change For Many

The latest dispatches from our reporters in the Gila have caused many a-raised eyebrows and much worry amongst the populace. After seeing a lot of strange foot-and-horse traffic in the area the previous week, reports of robbed stagecoaches and deadly turncoats have reached this newspaper’s doors. Even more disturbing is the apparent loss the citizenry has as to just who among us is Posse, and who is Outlaw?

Riding onto the range came the bodacious, if not slightly nervous, outlaw gang. Prominent in the lead were the Kentucky Four; Bad Buddy and his woman, Boom-boom Brooke, along with Kentucky Kate and her cohort, Aim-high-and-shoot-low Adrian. Minnesota Michelle, a quiet one, but deadly nonetheless, was at the ready. “That big fella” Jeff and his pardner Shelley rode in from Ohio, and they were joined by the Yank Gone Bad, Jay from Baaaston. Most disturbing comes the news that this despicable group of outlaws is lead by a former upstanding Posse member, the elegant Lt. Lyndsey Hobbs, formerly of Capt. Bates’ command. One can only wonder what life Lt. Lyndsey has lead these previous few months to turn her into such a scoundrel.

Almost as strange, in rode the Posse to save the day, lead by none other than Rowdy Russ and his steadfast companion, Anything-Goes Andrea. The citizens’ heads are a-spinning, given the turncoat qualities of these former Posse/former Outlaw/now Posse members. One can only assume that they’ve pursued Jeff and Shelly all the way from Dayton Ohio to avenge some unknown wrong.

Backing the Posse pursuit are Dangerous Doug and Tracker Tyler, from Seminole country down in Florida. This duo brings with them the reputation as two of the deadliest gunfighters in the territory.

From the quaint territory of California arrive the “Bimmer Boys,” very stylish and dandified; a smirk was perhaps heard here and there upon their alighting from their stagecoach early Sunday afternoon. First to show was James, not known for his horsemanship but definitely known for his prowess around the “machine beast,” known as the “moto-sykal,” a contraption here-to-fore unknown to this reporter. With him comes his partners “Please-take-some-rit’lin” Richard, Gentleman G-Dawg Gary and Mark “Johnny Walker-Milk.” The town may never be the same.

To add a bit of spice to the happenings, the Outlaws quickly got word of Yankee Jay’s nefarious ways, and how a previous bunch of no-goods had met their demise at his back-shooting ways. The group quickly formed a pact to keep a close eye on the smooth-talking Northerner.

In the Posse camp, tensions were a bit high between the leaders of the law-enforcers, Russ and Andrea, as Rowdy had apparently traded his better half to a shopkeeper for a dubious clue to untold riches the week before. Given that Rowdy is not rolling in recovered loot, we can assume that his get-rich-quick scheme fell apart, as is his usual result. Just how Ms. Andrea gained her freedom from the shopkeeper is a story not yet told, but rumor has it that the shopkeeper was seen in the custody of the law back in Albuquerque.

Perhaps to dissuade the townsfolk from believing their Posse to be, shall we say, inept, the eight began clearing the area of renegades on Monday night in the killing fields, putting on a shooting exhibition previously not seen in these parts. However, the Outlaws, not being the foolish sort, recognized their advantage, and absconded to the hills early Tuesday morning, leaving the hapless Posse eating dust and trying to remember how to saddle a horse.

The Outlaws located the Posse encampment, and with plenty of time to spare, searched the Posse camp without fear of ambush, locating a loot stash amongst the rocks. The gleeful outlaws rode to their camp, much pleased with themselves, further realizing that the Posse had apparently ridden to distant areas in search of loot. A plan was quickly made to gather supplies at the Outlaw camp, and use their horse-riding ability to stay ahead of the Posse until a final Friday showdown. A plan was born.

Indeed, the hapless posse was having a difficult time of it. Lead by a friendly if not overly talkative guide, Nate, the Bimmer Boys headed out to Ten-Dead Canyon with a clue and a map to some loot. They attempted to persuade Russ and Andrea to attend, but were quickly informed that the place was haunted and that the ghosts had taken the durn loot, and these two weren’t going to that ___ –forsaken place. Doug and Tyler decided to go with Russ and Andrea, and a plan was made to try to track the Outlaws down and put a few of them down.

Upon their arrival at the canyon, the Bimmers searched high and low, steadfastly ignoring Mark’s prattling on about red flowers and bastions, whatever the heck that is. After many hours of unsuccessful hunting, they rode tired and discouraged to the Posse camp.

Meanwhile, Russ, Andrea, Doug and Tyler had tracked the outlaws to their camp. Assuming that the scoundrels would have look-outs, the Posse took the long way around and entered from the valley on the tank side. Sure enough, activity was high in the camp (perhaps a bit too high, but that was un-noticed by our government regulators) and Doug and Tyler managed to sneak all the way into camp, a feat that any woodsman would be proud of. The Orlando Duo popped up from the tall grasses, gunning down Jay, Michelle, and Kate. Brooke was thought to have been a casualty also, but the Posse foolishly did not check their kills and she escaped into the treeline. Whilst hunting for loot, Tyler was surprised by Buddy, Jeff, and Adrian, and he fell to their fire. Doug and Russ searched unsuccessfully for loot, before heading out towards the Posse camp.

At dusk the entire Posse rode into the outlaw camp, only to find it quiet and deserted. Frustrated that the Outlaws had slipped through their fingers, the Posse returned to camp double-time, trying to beat a coming downpour. They arrived to shelter just in time, a little worse-for-wear but nonetheless dry and happy. Feeling secure that the weather would keep any outlaws at bay, the Posse partied into the night, finally taking to their bedrolls in close proximity to the fire, waking only to occasionally yell at Richard to stop talking already.

The Outlaws were not quite as comfortable, as, in true outlaw fashion, they had taken to the wild plains to remain hidden. At daybreak they decided that the next two days should be dedicated to finding loot at the far reaches of the country, well away of the Keystone Cowboys. The maps were ciphered and the decision was made to pack up their horses and head out on the open range. The first stop was Pine Canyon A two hour grueling search left the Outlaws sunburned and weary, but the loot was finally discovered. The Outlaw’s morale had turned around as the plan was coming together – one well planned raid on the Posse camp and the outlaws were back in it. That, however, would wait til just before daybreak on Friday. Tonight it was off to Harleyville for the night and the morning promised one more loot bag search. That night, however, things began to come apart. Buddy was hell-bent on finding loot and getting back to camp. Jay warned of the possibility of ambush, and was in no hurry to leave. This laid the seeds of doubt in the Outlaws’ minds. Was Jay setting them up, trying to keep them at Harleyville, to facilitate their murders? Jay was watched like a hawk.

Meanwhile, the Posse fortified their camp and also decided to split up. Tyler and Doug defied the notion that Posse can’t ride, and took off to Dead Horse Canyon with Nate. Russ and Andrea, under threat of murder, lead Gary, Mark, Richard and James back to 10-Dead Canyon for another run at the imaginary loot bag. Several hours of fruitless searching later, and with the echoes of Richard’s voice still ringing through the canyon, the Posse rode to the Outlaw camp to try and take some of their frustrations out on the bad guys. Finding it deserted, Russ and Andrea ensconced themselves in the camp, and the Bimmers hid in the hills.

Finally, around dinner time, Rowdy awoke to the fact that dem scurvy outlaws weren’t coming back tonight, and the day had been wasted, at least in terms of kills and loot. Plus, it was obvious that the Bimmers were not quite vigilant at their posts, as their snores kept the coyotes awake in their dens. Mark was seen to emerge with a blanket of moss, dirt, and red fire ants on him. The Posse decided to defiantly fix dinner in the outlaw camp, enjoying some of Lt. Lyndsey’s ill-gotten spirits. Suddenly, with hot food in the tummy, a frantic search for the loot bag began, and in no time the money was located hidden carefully in camp. A joyous walk back to Posse camp found Doug and Tyler jubilant with the discovery of a loot bag and the rustling of $50,000 worth of cows. Happiness reined, and yet another party began in camp. Even Nate was heard to have said “Cool.”

Thursday saw the Outlaws splitting up, some searching for loot and others tending to camp and the horses. By midday when the loot was still not found, the team reunited to continue the search. After several more hours, all sane participants decided to abandon the search and ride for camp; of course, that meant that Yankee Jay was determined to stay and find the loot. Obstinance aside, the Outlaws became suspicious of his intentions and feared ambush, and did the only thing they could think of to ensure their safety: they took Jay prisoner. Jay pleaded with Lt. Lyndsey to find a way to free him, but the Lt. was busy grousing about not having a hair brush for several days. Thus, with no other options, Jay was forced to sustain the 5 hour ride back to camp as a hostage of his own team; definitely a first for Posse Week. As the camp drew within site, the Outlaws were proud of themselves and confident in their abilities, and decided to return Jay’s weapons and release him – although they still didn’t trust him, they feared an attack and would need his firepower.

Their fears were well grounded, as they discovered Tyler and the Bimmers in their camp. A quick battle ensued, as the Outlaws quickly laid out the Bimmers. Unfortunately, Tyler managed to escape. Also unfortunate for the Posse, darkness was quickly falling, and they began to wonder if they could make their way back to their camp without trusty Nate to guide them. At this point, Jay slipped aside with them and offered to take them back to camp. What Jay’s motivations were, we shall never know. Suffice to say, as he was guiding the boys back to Posse camp, he heard mythical stories of hot food, cold drinks, campfires, and playful gun battles, and he decided that was far better than untrusting teammates – and so he defected.

After a brief meeting, during which Nate was heard to say absolutely nothing, the Posse decided to welcome Jay into the fold. Jay and Rowdy walked back to Outlaw territory, with Rowdy’s horse, intending to ride back under the cover of darkness. In the Fence Tank area, the Outlaw horses were located, unguarded except by Lt. Lyndsey. Both Jay and Rowdy used all their charm to get Lyndsey to watch both Jay and Rowdy’s horses. It didn’t hurt that they both know Lt. Lyndsey and what buttons to push. Jay complimented her on her hair.

So Jay and Russ took off on foot to search the territory for Outlaws. Unfortunately, it’s a vast land out there, and with a moonless night, it was near impossible to find the hidden Outlaws. After several hours they abandoned the search, and finding themselves nearer to their camp than the horses, they walked the rest of the way home. Upon entering camp, it was discovered that yet another party had broken out, and all that was to be heard was Bimmer snoring.

Friday morning at about 5am, the Outlaws arrived at Fence Tank and were surprised by…..Rowdy’s horse. Seeing the animal, plus Rowdy’s gear and Jays’ equipment, threw them into disarray. Fearing an all-out attack in the early-morning darkness, the Outlaws quickly packed up their gear, threw down their weapons, and fled horseback to parts unknown. The Posse quickly claimed yet another victory.

All in all, this reporter believes the entire entanglement to have been one of mass confusion, distortion, distraction and exclamation (the latter by Richard). One can only hope that Capt. Bates will soon return to these parts to set matters straight, especially as to just who is Outlaw, and who is Posse.

The Bimmer Boys in their Posse Camp